1. |
14
05:51
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I’m starting to feel trapped in this stereotype of fourteen.
There’s this notion that I’ve had no grief or any beliefs.
Well, I’ve got a belief that my age is so irrelevant, and that many people are excellent in being arrogant.
And grief, well I’ve had my isolation and desolation where I pick myself up again and again and again only to be beaten down by the mighty fourteen, and fourteen apparently means that I can’t amount to my dreams, and it gets so extreme that I start to break and break and break until I just can’t take it anymore.
And saying this all feels like a mistake, I feel like it makes me more of a kid but I’m not kidding around, I feel like I might just drown, I’m just so worn and beat down.
And I feel like everyone’s got a stereotype of somebody, if you’re of the wrong race you’re a criminal, if you’re dressed in blue you’re inimical, and if you’re thinking smart, you’re cynical.
Well, the whole thing is mythical, I won’t bow down to this typical modern world, a world with police brutality, deaths are becoming tallies, making the whole world crazy, making my vision hazy.
I think we should all release this hate and let the love remain. I think we should also go against the grain of what our judgement has to say, cause today, I’m a person, I’m not a kid I’m not white, I’m skin and bone, leave me alone with who I am and am not, cause who are you to say what I ought to do with my thought.
And my thought right now is so full of anger, cause everyone’s testing everyone’s patience, and I’m so impatient that this generation can’t even have a conversation of what’s really happening.
And I feel stuck, because if I speak up, I’m told I need to chill with the blow ups.
But enough is enough, I’m not a child, the black man over there isn’t angry and wild, and the men in blue can also smile.
And then I get angrier when I’m told I’m too young to talk about these kind of things. And, I am too young to do some things, but I’m old enough to care, at least I can stare these problems in the face instead of bowing down like a clown, bewaring of a frown, I’m so loud I’ll burn this whole town down.
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2. |
Brutally Honest
03:28
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Well I’m sitting here, it’s 5 in the afternoon.
I’m holding my head, cause everything’s a little out of tune.
I’ve been thinking I should start being brutally honest.
So, first thing’s first, I’m not flawless.
Well, second thing is second, and my head’s just not in the game, I’ve been trying to reclaim my happiness. I’ve just been expecting too much, I’ve just been out of touch, I’ve been a mess, I’ve been a mess, I’ve been a mess, but I don’t want to depress.
So I guess I’ll just scream by myself, I guess I’ll just run in the dark by myself, I guess I’ll just be my myself.
But you see, I’m the strongest person I know, I’ve gotten through just about everything on my own, but I don’t know, what have I gotten through to?
I’m trying to get through to you that maybe I’m not the strongest, and it really is time for me to start being brutally honest.
So behold me hanging off this cliff, questions holding me down. I think I can make myself function, I think I can make myself move, but I may need your help and your ways to improve, cause all I am is confused. I want you to stay but I push you away, I just need to get this off my chest. All these questions, like is life really just a rest?
If so, all my answers are wrong, or maybe my answer is this song.
Cause I think I’m fine, I think we’re all fine, let’s stop lying that we understand this and aren’t confused out of our mind.
Cause let’s face it, our minds aren’t polished, can somebody besides me start being brutally honest?
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3. |
Forget Me Not
05:45
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Unbearable, unbearable, the pressure on my chest
Rocks falling into an empty nest
I think I deserve happiness
And, I think I’m scared
Oh and I think, I don’t think you ever really cared
I think you’re just a pawn in my game
In my game of self destruction
You’re just there and as the days went by you became my addiction and now I wish I had never even had the introduction
But you were also never there
You were a boat in the distance, as where I was a castaway barely alive
Barely alive, that’s the way to put it because
No matter how much I told myself I was a beautiful misfit who ran away from the stereotypical happiness to hide in alleyways where I didn’t have to be like anybody else, I was the same as any other school girl who chased after a boy she couldn’t have.
And I was barely alive
And I’m making a big deal out of nothing, because that’s what it is. You’re nothing.
But underneath you is that school girl who had no idea why somebody in the back of her head was yelling at her when the sun went down.
She had no idea why the switch flipped sometimes, and suddenly she didn’t want to move her muscles to participate in actions that in the end would mean nothing.
But you, you on the surface gave her the darkness she could put a name to
You held her down so tight she thought suffocating was apart of life
But here I am.
I changed out of my school girl clothes and crawled through the alleyways to see the sun again.
And looking back at the days that ran my life, I never thought you would leave.
And when you did, so did my sanity
Nights and nights shriveled, I went through the days crippled
I could feel it in my hands, the light was sand and it slowly fell between my fingers
But I was sick of being a sinker, and I was sick of looking your face, trying to erase everything you’ve ever said.
So I turned and I looked directly at the schoolgirl, at the misfit, but I couldn’t find myself
And so I said farewell and left the game, ready to see the true meaning of the flames. And it turned into
Unbearable, unbearable, the pressure on my chest
Rocks falling into an empty nest
I know I deserve happiness
I think I you’re scared
And I don’t really care
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4. |
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Sometimes I hold my hand up to the light.
It looks so small and fragile in between my fingers.
Sometimes I hold a blanket a tight.
Sometimes I let the smell of the cookies linger.
Sometimes I smile and sometimes I don't.
Sometimes I rise and sometimes I fall.
Sometimes I lie and sometime I take it all.
Sometimes I think about everything, and how everything has to do with you.
Maybe it's the cage, maybe it's the rage. Maybe it's the glee, or maybe it's how I think I'm free.
Maybe it's how everything is something too, or maybe it's how everything to do with you.
Sometimes I go out on the roof.
Sometimes I think about the truth
Sometimes I run away and sometimes I'm here to stay.
Sometimes I lie on my bed and I think about the day.
Sometimes I sit on the step and I look at the sun rays.
Sometimes I think about everything, and how everything has to do with you.
Maybe it's the cage, maybe it's the rage. Maybe it's the glee, or maybe it's how I think I'm free.
Maybe it's how everything is something too, or maybe it's how everything to do with you.
So maybe I'm dying, maybe I'm living, maybe I'm running, maybe I'm staying, maybe I'm smiling, maybe I'm crying. Maybe I'm going insane by the look on your face, maybe I'm going crazy, maybe I'm....
Maybe it's the cage, maybe it's the rage. Maybe it's the glee, or maybe it's how I think I'm free.
Maybe it's how everything is something too, or maybe it's how everything to do with you.
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5. |
Fruit and Fist
02:56
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Feeling stupid, listening to songs that ring of you changing my mood.
You don't listen back, even though you have reason to.
I break my back and give my bones to you.
I have to sleep alone, laying in broken glass.
While you're loving yourself, I'm giving you that greener grass.
You're on your way to her, my broken heart's in your path.
Well I'm willing to try, make me dizzy again.
I'm your favorite of all, I can pretend.
Please lay it down, you hate when I'm around
You're gonna go now, I'm only bringing you down.
Paint me brown, you'll smile and I'll frown.
Just let me drown, you're the star and I'm just your small town.
Feel my body and kill my soul, I'll still think you're making me whole.
I'll be your sunshine, you'll be my black hole.
Tell me you want clouds and a girl that leaves you alone.
You don't give back what you stole.
Well I'm willing to try, make me dizzy again.
I'm your favorite of all, I can pretend.
Please lay it down, you hate when I'm around
You're gonna go now, I'm only bringing you down.
Paint me brown, you'll smile and I'll frown.
Just let me drown, you're the star and I'm just your small town.
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6. |
Alive
04:30
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I had my mind cutting at my skin creating fiction and fiction in my imagination. I had my ways of dying, crying, and denying until I was done going crazy.
Maybe it was just lazy to not help myself. Put myself back in structure, tell myself I wasn't a failure, give myself the lecture of the importance of waking up and finding bliss.
Cause that's what I thought. I thought you had to be fine, walking on a straight line, a peaceful dine with your mind. But, that's ridiculous now that I think about it.
Well, my imagination and fascination is a discrimination against the liveness and wholeness of my sadness.
And, I don't know what to think anymore. My fantasies now are just waging wars with blood and gore.
But I had the snow stop these thoughts. It burned in my head, my hand stopped shaking so it could take the bugs and the withered thoughts out.
But my doubt still fought until it was taught that it was fine but my spine still trembles without my insecurities.
Now I have security over my mind, and I'm done creating all these ties.
And I want the broken angel and the drugged music back, but I laugh cause I can't, it's like ants in my face.
And I'm sorry for the complexity, the contradiction in my mind, and trust me I'm kind but you might not see me for a couple of days. Cause when I get confused I'm a fuse, I'm lit, I'm blowing up these words that don't even really matter cause I'm fine with this fear, it's just a tear.
And I'm completely insane, and I'm way out of my minds lane.
But I'm think I'm doing fine cause all it means is that I'm completely alive.
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